I have been putting this off for several months. Months and months and months and forever and an eternity, it feels like. So much has gone on since I last posted.
I last left off with Pennsylvania. My last hurrah before coming back to Colorado and making peace with my reality. I lost my apartment due to a few reasons.. no child support, no job (not in time anyway), and Fort Collins does tend to be a bit more expensive than neighboring Loveland... anyway, my (technically ex) in-laws were kind enough to open their home to my kids and I and are currently providing a roof over our heads. It's taken some time but the basement is now to a point where it does feel comfortable and a bit more homey, even though sometimes it's a huge mess. I miss having our own place, I miss some of our things, but for now, this is okay and I am content with this. It works.
So a lot has happened in the last seven months since I last posted. I am generally pretty open about things but this just rocked my world so much, completely changed the course of what I thought I was doing, that I felt as if I had been holding my breath all these months, scared of how people will feel, scared of what would be said to me.. I hate disapproval.. and believe me, I've come down really hard on myself about this and I suppose I have a good explanation, even though it doesn't really excuse me OR my ex husband..
Late surprise, I'm pregnant again. I'm currently 36 and a half weeks pregnant. I'm officially in third trimester. And because you want to know, yes, Morgan (ex husband) is the dad. I will admit, the divorce was hard on both of us. It's hard to let go of someone you were with for so long, hard to let go of the dream of your marriage working, things always getting better... Well, back in June, Morgan and I had a run in, and while I was visiting my friend Laurel and her kids in Pennsylvania, I discovered that I was indeed pregnant.
I will be FOREVER grateful to Laurel, for being my rock during that time. I cried and felt the weight of the world on me. She hugged me. She encouraged me. She talked me through things. She was excited for me. She just supported me so much and I am so glad that she's the one I got to share that experience with. It almost felt like she was physically picking up the pieces of my shattered sanity, and gluing them back together for me, despite her own challenges and difficulties in life.
So. Three kids. I'm going to have THREE kids now. At first, I felt like I didn't want to do this again. Juliette wasn't even 9 months old yet when I found out. What was I thinking? WHY did I have to tempt fate like this? WHY did I have to sell myself short, disrespect myself? I was afraid to tell Morgan. I was afraid to tell anyone. It felt safe to just keep it to myself. Laurel knew, and that was good enough. But pregnancy tends to reveal itself eventually. The first trimester was really hard.. I got sick, just like normal. I was busy trying to move out of my apartment and into my in-law's house, and I was just still trying to come to terms with the pregnancy. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it to anyone.
Naturally, I feel like some people would want to know if this means Morgan and I are getting back together but no, we're not. I'd give the details as to WHY he and I even got together in the first place, but that would probably not be appropriate for this blog, and it kind of hurts to even think or talk about it because of the incredibly selfish reasons behind it.. but no, we're not getting back together. We've been divorced for over an entire year now and I can say with certainty that it is indeed over. The feelings behind that might be for another blog post. Onward with this one though.
I also had the task of trying to find a job and work to bring in some money to support me and my kids. I was job hunting through all of that as well and that was just hard. Trying to fit into my dress pants and shirts for interviews was challenging. I didn't look pregnant from the outside, but I sure felt like it on the inside. Hooray for bloating, right?
Well, a job finally came through for me... Kmart! Ta-da. Back in 2008 I swore up and down I would NEVER go back to retail. Welp, I still don't have a college degree and good paying jobs seem to be hard to come by these days, so I "lowered my standards" as I like to say, and found the job I am currently at. I make a little above minimum wage so it could be worse, and overall I am grateful that I have a job. Being able to afford some Christmas presents, car insurance, diapers, and general necessities makes it definitely worth it.
Okay, so, I suppose I'll fast forward you from when I found out I was pregnant to where the kids and I are at now.
Ava's three and a half (will be 4 in May) and going to preschool and doing really, really well! Her vocabulary is expanding, she's just grown so much as a person, it's hard to not be amazed. She is an awesome big sister to Juliette. She has long, beautiful blonde hair and can be so difficult at times. But I have a feeling it's not easy being her either. She does amazing for being in her situation. I love her so much and look forward to seeing her grow up even more.
Juliette is 16 months old. She's still a baby in so many ways, so needy, so high-needs, but just tonight, I asked her if she could put her dirty shirt in the hamper and she did just that! She can also put things into the trash AND shut the door after she does it (trash is in a pantry cupboard). I know she understands so much of what I say, but she is taking her time with her words. She can say mama, papa ( which means "grandpa" who we live with) (who by the way is her ABSOLUTE favorite person in the WORLD), ga ga (might mean cat? she says it a lot around the cats..) and I think she's said Ava a few times (sounds more like Aba). But I know she'll talk when she wants to. She walked when she wanted to. Yeah, at nine and a half months old that girl was walking. At ten months she was RUNNING. Poor mom, right? Yes, feel sorry for me. Lol.
I'm doing pretty well. I was denied financial aid for Fall 2012 semester and was very disappointed because I wanted to get some more school done before I have the baby in March. But I am learning that life is NEVER what you plan on it being. I will go back to school in the summer and continue going until I get my degree. If ever there was a time to have a college degree, now is definitely the time. So I will get it done. I have to now.
My official due date is March 7th. Like I said, I'm 36 weeks along. I had my ultrasound a few months ago and baby looked great. Here's the "kicker" because I'm sure you'll all want to kick me for this but, I decided to not find out the sex of the baby. With Ava and Juliette I really couldn't wait to find out but for some reason, this time, I decided to not find out. It was a surprise pregnancy, so why not make it a surprise to the very end. I'm definitely set if the baby's a girl, but if I have a boy, I might not be quite as prepared. But whatever. Flying by the seat of my pants is how I seem to get anything done nowadays anyway, so I'm sure it'll work out.
I'll go ahead and post some pictures and let all of this soak in for you all. I do want to thank those who I have already told about the new baby.. I have received nothing but love and support and I can't emphasize enough how much that has lifted my spirits and given me hope.
Anyway, there you have it. I'll try to update more often. I just have really struggled these last six months, but the kids and I continue to trek onward and hopefully I can start updating more often and stop being such a chicken.
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| Here's Merrill baby #3 about 10 weeks along |
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| 24 weeks 6 days along, baby's profile |
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| The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted a 3d image.. of course I did! I love being able to see his or her little face :) |
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| Feet |
I took me and the kids to do some family pictures when I was about 27 weeks pregnant the beginning of December 2012. So that would put Ava 3 and a half, and Juliette at 1 year, 2 months.
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| This is actually Ava's preschool picture |
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| This is me today... 36 weeks 4 days pregnant |
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| Ava wondering why I'm hugging her baby doll.. lol |
