Pennsylvania

So here I sit in the midst of a very humid summer in Pennsylvania. I am visiting a very dear friend of mine and brought my kids with me. My original plan was to stay a week but we are working on my second week here, with one more week planned out here. My friend and I have had so much catching up to do and missed each other so much that one week simply wasn't enough.

This is my first visit to the east coast and it is definitely different from any other place I've been. I grew up on the west coast, lived in the mid west and even on a tropical island, but had never been east of Missouri until recently. I like it back here. It's very green and there's a huge diversity of people. The roads are confusing as all heck because none of them are straight, except maybe some of the inner city roads.

My kids have been having a blast playing with my friend's kids. The three year olds fight pretty often, the five year old gets them into stuff that the three year olds could usually only dream of getting into, and the baby crawls all around the house eating things she finds on the floor. It definitely feels like summer vacation.

Stuff

It's been a while since I posted so I figure it's time for an update on the kids and I. Due to my job situation being in the gutter, at the end of July, I will be moving in with my (ex) in laws. They were kind enough to offer refuge for my kids and I and I didn't think we would need it, but I'm a little desperate this point, so their help is much appreciated. I am sad about giving up the independence of my own home. I'll be sad to not have my own little kitchen or living space, but this is indeed temporary. I think the lack of my independence will be really great motivation to get back to that. If I had a job I could probably swing living on my own with the kids but interview after interview is passing by and still no offer for employment. 

I am happy to say that I finally figured out what I want to do in school. Yes, I am 25 years old and still don't have a degree. I'm actually embarrassed about that. But I am determined to get one, so it won't be long. I am going to do one more semester at my current community college and then transfer to the same school, just a different campus that offers the Medical Administrative Assisting degree I want. It's an Associate's Degree so hopefully I will be able to finish as fast as possible. Having this degree would allow me to get a job that I can support my family on. I'm tired of being on government assistance and really want to provide 100% for my family.  This degree will help me achieve that. Plus, I will be able to maintain a reasonable work schedule such as weekends, evenings, and holidays off so I can still be a good mom to my kids. 

So I am going to swallow my pride and live in close quarters with my kids in a basement for an undetermined amount of time. I have spent most of the last few months searching for a job and not much else is going on. I feel like this is a really boring post but really, not much is going on!  I have an upcoming trip back east and I think THAT post will be all mind-blowing and awesome. So in the meantime, enjoy some pictures of my offspring.

I guess I'm full of lies. There IS one thing going on with bed bugs and me being paranoid and freaked out and how tomorrow they are going to heat treat my whole apartment (heat the apartment up to 140 degrees) and I have been given a 100% guarantee that this will rid my house of the pests. I have been getting bit for 6 months and can't wait to sleep in my bed and not wake up covered in hives. Ugh. Gross. 

On another unrelated note, Juliette is trying to walk. She is about 8 and a half months old and I was watching tv one night and looked over just in time to see her take three steps. My jaw about hit the floor. Kids WALK this early!? Since then, she has been trying to walk and can walk quite well if you hold her hands. I'm so not ready for her to be walking yet. But I am predicting that by about 9 or 10 months, she's gonna be walking all on her own. Poor mom, right? 

Finding Peace as a Single Parent

Being a single mother can be so daunting. It can be so discouraging, so frightening, so angering, so utterly impossible at times that I just feel like locking myself in my room and pulling the covers over my head. Never before in my life have I felt more tried for my patience or capacity to go on with so few hours of sleep. I have a feeling I'm still at the beginning of my journey as far as being a divorced, single mother, but I have learned a few things here and there that I do feel some pride for, one of those being that:

Being alone isn't always a bad thing.

I promise you more than anything that I loved being married. Being alone while dealing with the devastation of my hopes and expectations being crushed has been really hard. At first I coped. I had to. I got out of bed because I had to take care of the kids. I did the laundry because I had to. I changed diapers because I had to. And then I'd go to bed at night and feel very alone and pray that sleep come quickly because I didn't even want to think about the fact that I was alone in a very large queen sized bed. Still sleeping on "my" side of the bed. 

As the months have passed though, things have become easier. I kind of have a routine with the kids. I'm used to doing things alone now. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. I'll be honest, I was really bitter about it at first, having to lug an infant carrier, a full diaper bag, a toddler, and groceries upstairs all by myself. But now, I kind of have a method to the madness and I think I'm a better person for it. Being independent isn't a bad thing.

As far as sleeping alone goes, now...........I kind of love it. Yeah there's nights when I feel totally sorry for myself and my feet are freezing and I have no one to put them on, but for the most part, now I can sprawl. I can stretch out, have the blankets how I want, leave the half-folded laundry on the bed because I only sleep on one half it it-whatever. I can stick my feet out of the bottom of the covers and no one complains. Plus I'm not woken by snoring, sleep-talking, coughing, farting, or anything else for that matter. That is, unless  it's coming from the baby who still sleeps in my room in her pack-and-play. But yeah. It's kind of a cool thing not to share. 

Being alone has given me the freedom to explore new things about myself. I have found new music, tv shows, and movies that have absolutely no connection to my ex-husband. I used to just kind of listen to everything he did, took all of his movie recommendations, etc... I was like a puppy who would just follow you around. But now, I have been able to get back to what I used to do as a teenager and rediscover things I love, and I don't have to listen to anyone complain about it. It's also REALLY great being able to prevent any questionable material from entering my home. That, I love. 

The quiet; when it's late at night like it is now, and both kids are for once, actually peacefully sleeping in their beds, I can do things like read scriptures, clean, watch MY tv shows (Ava has run of the tv during the day), listen to music, exercise (in the house at least), talk on the phone or whatever. Long gone are the days of asking my ex-husband to please turn down his music, put on headphones, etc. If I want the house quiet, I can have it that way (at night anyway.) If I want things feeling lively, I'll liven it up a bit with whatever music my mood desires. It's helping me feel more like "me." And I love it. 

Being alone has helped me laugh more, and sometimes more at myself. I'm not sure if it's because I already feel like my life has gone to hell in a handbag and things can't really get any worse (okay, so I know realistically, they could..) but I suppose now that I know it's JUST me, I find myself laughing at things that *I* find funny. I think my sense of humor was rooted for so long in this other person, that.........I kind of lost my identity in a lot of ways. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.. I think that married people should be as close to one another as possible, and that could even include sharing the same sense of humor, or at least a close appreciation of humorous things. Well, for a few months after my separation and probably almost up to the time my divorce was final, I was having a hard time laughing. There were many times I felt little or no joy because I couldn't just let loose and laugh. Well, thankfully, that has changed. I am able to enjoy the small things now and laugh as much as I'd like. This is a secret (well not anymore!), but one of my favorite things to do if I'm going to stay up late and do pointless things on the Internet, is to find hilarious pictures, jokes, whatever, and laugh hysterically at them. There is some kind of internal satisfaction in being able to laugh, despite the injustice I feel regarding my situation. I feel like I am conquering my situation and saying "despite my hardships, I can still smile, laugh, and feel a sense of freedom." I am thankful for laughter. It does have healing properties.

Being alone is helping me pinpoint my goals. It's possible that if I can't attain adequate employment soon in the next few months, my kids and I will move in with their grandparents (who have so graciously offered us refuge if our situation turns dire). I am not yet financially independent.. I still rely heavily on child support to raise my family, but I am set and determined to one day be able to use that money to take my kids out shopping, take them to dinner, buy them new clothes, or pay to get their ears pieced-whatever; basically whatever they WANT, not need, like what that money is being used for right now. So the point is, I know my goals and am working to accomplish them. 

Being alone is really helping me re-evaluate my life. It's kind of hard to sum up in a paragraph, but since being divorced, I have realized that the important things in my life are REALLY important. I have been able to work on some personal goals and am in the process of accomplishing them. I am really proud of myself for this. What was once a pipe dream in a thousand journal entries for the last 6 years, will now actually become a reality for me in the next few months. 

Being alone has sparked interest anew in my old hobbies, loves, and interests. If and when I ever have the time, I'm getting back into music. I once LOVED playing clarinet, and I get my old high school clarinet out every once in a while and play. I want to join a concert band or something eventually just to be able to play, and enjoy doing that again. I've also been considering giving sewing another try. I don't have a sewing machine but one day, I think I'm going to get one. I don't want to do anything extravagant; just be able to repair clothes, etc. I am thankful that I am able to once again think more about MY hobbies and interests. 

Anyway, I think I'm going to stop here. There's a lot I could write about being a single parent... maybe more for another time. But before I go, this is the part where I give credence to Heavenly Father for allowing me to learn through this personal process. I don't feel like the things that happen in my life and to me and my kids are for no reason. There is a lesson to be learned in everything, even if it's just the experience. I can't say that I'm glad I'm divorced because no, I'm not. But I can say that I'm glad that I am a stronger person now because I'm divorced. I have more sympathy for people in my situation. I have more sympathy for people with any kind of intense, personal pain. 

I know I have many years more of a daunting task ahead of me in learning and growing and raising my kids on my own, but I've already been given some tools to help me along the way. I am thankful to say that I feel like I'm ready to take on that challenge. Even if I'm going to complain the enTIRE way. :-)

Love, 

Stephanie 

I think I just found a new pastime.

As if I need another way to waste my time, I stumbled upon a picture editing program on my computer that I had forgotten I installed some time back. It's called Picasa and it's a free Google program. It makes it so I can do things like this:

Awesome, huh?

fun.

Tuesday was an awesome day. No, it wasn't awesome because I had school, (although my Philosophy class was interesting-we discussed "free will" and if everyone really has it..) anyway, I was super excited because  I was going to a concert!

My friend Stacey informed me a few months ago that a group called Fun. (yes, with a period) was going to be performing in Fort Collins and that we should buy tickets and go! This was right before my school money came in and I was pretty broke at that point. I checked my account and I had $30 left. tickets were $15 and about $20 after taxes and fees. I told her I would just wait until I could afford it but a few minutes later, decided that I didn't want to wait; I love this group and have wanted to see them for a lot time and wasn't sure if they'd be sold out if I waited. So I purchased my ticket. And then posted a picture on Facebook.

Here I am, ecstatic about my printed ticket to Fun. 

I was just so excited. I can't really be blamed. This group is so awesome!

So the day finally arrived when we could attend the concert. I met Stacey and her friend Chloe (now my friend) at a Mexican restaurant in downtown Fort Collins, close enough to the venue so we could walk there afterwards. Dinner was delicious.

I've got mango in my taco. I know you're jealous. 

We ate, we laughed, we made fun of vegetarians and then walked to Aggie Theater.

T'was cold. Stacey and I decided to leave our coats in her car and then realized that there was a huge  line outside of the theater. Chloe seemed warm with her wintery coat and her SNOW BOOTS she was wearing. Jerk.

Stacey awkwardly warming her hands on Chloe. I was jealous. 

We stood in line for 12 days. Well... that could be an exaggeration... It might have been a little less than that but because I was so cold and losing feeling in my hands and feet, it seemed like forever.

Finally we got to the front of the line and I got a pretty yellow wristband because I'm over 21. Not that it really mattered.. I don't drink. But it was nice to pretend I could if I wanted to.

We found a nifty spot in the theater on the far left side. It was a ledge and people were standing on it. When I got up on the ledge, I realized that we were above the crowd, and therefore, able to see the stage much better than if we were just on the floor with everybody else.

Awesome.

So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The doors were supposed to open at 8. They didn't. The opening act didn't go on until past 9,

some Kentucky band who liked to bob their heads a lot. 

and it was almost 11 when Fun. actually made it onto the stage. Kind of ridiculous and I was complaining a lot but once I heard those first few notes and Nate Ruess's epic, amazing voice, all of my snarled feelings melted away and I was lost in the music.

Some people say he's a mix between Mark Whalberg and Matt Damon. Mmmm, maybe. 

The show was pretty amazing. Pictures and video don't really do it justice. They had a great background, the lights were awesome, and of course the music was superb.

So besides waiting out in the cold for so long, pay $20 for a tshirt, buying a Sprite from the bar and only getting unflavored soda, overall it was a successful night.

Silly Chloe. She liked them restroom rules. 

Fun.!

Today is Tuesday

Last night Ava, Juliette, and I made it back to the Denver airport. After a quick visit with the Colorado grandparents, we made our way back to our apartment.

Walking into my apartment that I hadn't seen for about 11 days was a little weird. I had rushed to clean things before I left and I'm glad I did that. Not having to worry about the trash, diaper pail, or dishes was a good welcome. Morgan had retrieved a dresser for Ava's room while we were away and left it in my living room. Upon inspection, I was delighted to see that it had five drawers, one of them being very deep. It's quite spacious and a good piece of furniture, even for when she's wearing much bigger clothes. I was so excited to have a place for Ava's clothes that before I even went to bed, I dragged it into her room. I went to bed exhausted although a few things were on my mind so I tossed a bit until I finally fell asleep.

My alarm interrupted my sleep because I had school this morning. I didn't make it. My body felt so worn out from traveling the day before that I texted the kid's dad and said I wasn't bringing them; I was skipping my classes for the day to sleep in. But I don't regret it. I felt more rested when I finally got out of bed.

This happens every time I come home from visiting my family in California; I get a somewhat sad and depressed at how quiet things seem. Having my dad, sister, brother in law, and their three kids around me all the time can be stressful but I guess I really enjoy it. I suddenly felt very empty.

Ava, Juliette and their three cousins in California. I love them all!!!!!

So I started to do what I always do when I'm feeling anxious, sad, scared, angry, happy, overjoyed, or just plain bored; I started cleaning. 

At first it just started out with unpacking the suitcase, putting things away, and putting together the baby jumper that I figured Juliette was finally big enough for. 

But then it turned into filling Ava's new dresser and just generally cleaning her room. It took me a good part of the afternoon to redo her closet which has been full of diaper boxes holding clothes from size newborn to 5(T). Ugh. What a project. But I finished! I wanted to be able to utilize her closet for more than just storage. I wanted her to be able to get in it too. 

I should have snapped a picture of what it looked like before I started taking boxes out...it had been a bad attempt at organization. 

The clothing storage diaper boxes work if you have maybe 10 boxes. But we were pushing 30 boxes. Something had to be done. 

Can you believe all of these boxes were in Ava's closet? I much prefer the plastic containers! 

So I got some clear storage bins from Target and moved most of the clothes to those. 

I plan on rotating the clothes well enough and getting rid of the stuff the baby outgrows so that I won't need more than the 6 boxes. 

And while I'm at it, I squared Ava's room away as much as I could. My room is next. But that's another day because that's both Juliette's and my clothes. 

(Juliette isn't in the crib yet.) Here's the "before" picture. I had been storing J's clothes in here because both girls were sharing a four drawer dresser in my room.

One day, when the baby stops waking up at night consistently, she'll sleep in here. 

Here's a random one from my California trip... that's me and Juliette

Ava was caught digging in her nose

My only niece Natalie 

Handsome little Nathaniel, one of my nephews

Juliette with grandma, my mom

My mom entertaining my kids

Two very dear friends with my kids 

Love this girl

Juliette with grandpa, my dad

Nathaniel and Ava, only a few months apart in age. Totally caught them playing dress up :-)

Juliette with my grandpa, her great-grandpa. She loved him! He has Alzheimer's but hasn't forgotten how to love his grandbabies!

Ava and my grandma, her great grandma

My grandparents with Juliette

Grandma and Ava

My aunt and I :-) Love her!

Out of order, but Ava's room after I tried to organize it.

Her room is mostly done! Just need to put the baby in there eventually.

So after doing Ava's room she asked for a snack while I made dinner so I started chopping up an apple. Then things got interesting. 

Um, whoops. I guess I'm stronger and more violent than I thought. 

I told Ava she better eat the whole thing because I put blood and sweat into that apple. Of course, that was after I pulled out the ninja star. 

So all in all it's been a productive day full of organizing, cleaning, sending Ava to the corner for beating up her baby sister, and missing everyone back home. Hopefully I'll get to visit again soon. 

Peace out!

Stephanie