Being alone isn't always a bad thing.
I promise you more than anything that I loved being married. Being alone while dealing with the devastation of my hopes and expectations being crushed has been really hard. At first I coped. I had to. I got out of bed because I had to take care of the kids. I did the laundry because I had to. I changed diapers because I had to. And then I'd go to bed at night and feel very alone and pray that sleep come quickly because I didn't even want to think about the fact that I was alone in a very large queen sized bed. Still sleeping on "my" side of the bed.
As the months have passed though, things have become easier. I kind of have a routine with the kids. I'm used to doing things alone now. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. I'll be honest, I was really bitter about it at first, having to lug an infant carrier, a full diaper bag, a toddler, and groceries upstairs all by myself. But now, I kind of have a method to the madness and I think I'm a better person for it. Being independent isn't a bad thing.
As far as sleeping alone goes, now...........I kind of love it. Yeah there's nights when I feel totally sorry for myself and my feet are freezing and I have no one to put them on, but for the most part, now I can sprawl. I can stretch out, have the blankets how I want, leave the half-folded laundry on the bed because I only sleep on one half it it-whatever. I can stick my feet out of the bottom of the covers and no one complains. Plus I'm not woken by snoring, sleep-talking, coughing, farting, or anything else for that matter. That is, unless it's coming from the baby who still sleeps in my room in her pack-and-play. But yeah. It's kind of a cool thing not to share.
Being alone has given me the freedom to explore new things about myself. I have found new music, tv shows, and movies that have absolutely no connection to my ex-husband. I used to just kind of listen to everything he did, took all of his movie recommendations, etc... I was like a puppy who would just follow you around. But now, I have been able to get back to what I used to do as a teenager and rediscover things I love, and I don't have to listen to anyone complain about it. It's also REALLY great being able to prevent any questionable material from entering my home. That, I love.
The quiet; when it's late at night like it is now, and both kids are for once, actually peacefully sleeping in their beds, I can do things like read scriptures, clean, watch MY tv shows (Ava has run of the tv during the day), listen to music, exercise (in the house at least), talk on the phone or whatever. Long gone are the days of asking my ex-husband to please turn down his music, put on headphones, etc. If I want the house quiet, I can have it that way (at night anyway.) If I want things feeling lively, I'll liven it up a bit with whatever music my mood desires. It's helping me feel more like "me." And I love it.
Being alone has helped me laugh more, and sometimes more at myself. I'm not sure if it's because I already feel like my life has gone to hell in a handbag and things can't really get any worse (okay, so I know realistically, they could..) but I suppose now that I know it's JUST me, I find myself laughing at things that *I* find funny. I think my sense of humor was rooted for so long in this other person, that.........I kind of lost my identity in a lot of ways. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.. I think that married people should be as close to one another as possible, and that could even include sharing the same sense of humor, or at least a close appreciation of humorous things. Well, for a few months after my separation and probably almost up to the time my divorce was final, I was having a hard time laughing. There were many times I felt little or no joy because I couldn't just let loose and laugh. Well, thankfully, that has changed. I am able to enjoy the small things now and laugh as much as I'd like. This is a secret (well not anymore!), but one of my favorite things to do if I'm going to stay up late and do pointless things on the Internet, is to find hilarious pictures, jokes, whatever, and laugh hysterically at them. There is some kind of internal satisfaction in being able to laugh, despite the injustice I feel regarding my situation. I feel like I am conquering my situation and saying "despite my hardships, I can still smile, laugh, and feel a sense of freedom." I am thankful for laughter. It does have healing properties.
Being alone is helping me pinpoint my goals. It's possible that if I can't attain adequate employment soon in the next few months, my kids and I will move in with their grandparents (who have so graciously offered us refuge if our situation turns dire). I am not yet financially independent.. I still rely heavily on child support to raise my family, but I am set and determined to one day be able to use that money to take my kids out shopping, take them to dinner, buy them new clothes, or pay to get their ears pieced-whatever; basically whatever they WANT, not need, like what that money is being used for right now. So the point is, I know my goals and am working to accomplish them.
Being alone is really helping me re-evaluate my life. It's kind of hard to sum up in a paragraph, but since being divorced, I have realized that the important things in my life are REALLY important. I have been able to work on some personal goals and am in the process of accomplishing them. I am really proud of myself for this. What was once a pipe dream in a thousand journal entries for the last 6 years, will now actually become a reality for me in the next few months.
Being alone has sparked interest anew in my old hobbies, loves, and interests. If and when I ever have the time, I'm getting back into music. I once LOVED playing clarinet, and I get my old high school clarinet out every once in a while and play. I want to join a concert band or something eventually just to be able to play, and enjoy doing that again. I've also been considering giving sewing another try. I don't have a sewing machine but one day, I think I'm going to get one. I don't want to do anything extravagant; just be able to repair clothes, etc. I am thankful that I am able to once again think more about MY hobbies and interests.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stop here. There's a lot I could write about being a single parent... maybe more for another time. But before I go, this is the part where I give credence to Heavenly Father for allowing me to learn through this personal process. I don't feel like the things that happen in my life and to me and my kids are for no reason. There is a lesson to be learned in everything, even if it's just the experience. I can't say that I'm glad I'm divorced because no, I'm not. But I can say that I'm glad that I am a stronger person now because I'm divorced. I have more sympathy for people in my situation. I have more sympathy for people with any kind of intense, personal pain.
I know I have many years more of a daunting task ahead of me in learning and growing and raising my kids on my own, but I've already been given some tools to help me along the way. I am thankful to say that I feel like I'm ready to take on that challenge. Even if I'm going to complain the enTIRE way. :-)
Love,
Stephanie
